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Over the last few weeks, we have continued to see God’s hand powerfully working around us. Although we have not seen major side effects from the treatment, Jonathan has experienced some of the side effects the go along with taking steroids that reduce inflammation in the brain. One of those side effects is insomnia.

4:40 am. At first, Jonathan was not getting much sleep at all, but then he began to wake around 4:40 am no matter what time he went to sleep. God used this to remind him of Philippians 4:4-7 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. Our joy in the Lord is not based on our circumstances, but comes from knowing the One who is in control of our lives and finding our delight in Him. We have needed this reminder everyday. As a result, these early morning hours have been a fruitful opportunity instead of an annoyance. 

 

Jonathan had his third (out of four) chemo infusion this past Wednesday. Other than some tiredness, he has not experienced other discomforts and he has been able to maintain a regular rhythm at work and life in general. We feel very grateful that the Lord has allowed his body to tolerate this treatment so well and know that God has heard your prayers on his behalf.

The lack of strength and control on the left side of his body has continued to be a significant issue. Jonathan is largely unable to use his left arm and leg, making simple everyday tasks (like walking or getting dressed) a challenge. In light of this and other realities that may lay ahead for us, we have taken a proactive approach to plan ahead and make some difficult decisions now that set us up well for the future, while praying and trusting that God knows our tomorrow.

The most urgent of these issues has been to get into a house that resolves the accessibility challenges of our present tri-level home.  Jonathan has actually fallen on the stairs and there is no way to get into our house, get to the bedroom and get to the kitchen without using the stairs.   So we decided to find a house that resolved these complexities.

We have seen God provide in amazing ways.  We listed our house, put a contract on another house, and accepted a contract on our house, all over the Christmas holidays!  We will close on both houses at the end of the month and move February 1.  The house we are moving to will resolve the accessibility issues and set us up well for the future.  So many people have come together to help us prepare for this. From yard work and staging, to our amazing realtor, who has guided us every step of the process.

After the move, our big next step is Jonathan’s MRI on February 2nd and a followup with our neuro-oncologist on February 8th. This should tell us whether the treatment has been effective against the tumor and lay out what is next for us.

Please, pray for our house transition…

Jonathan’s left side strength…

Effectiveness of treatment…

Patience waiting for results…

 

 

We started this blog back in 2011 under the title A Guided Journey, when Jonathan was first diagnosed with a brain tumor. It has sat dormant for a few years, but recently, with the recurrence of the tumor, we thought this would be an effective way to communicate what we are going though currently. So, we started the blog back under the new name Eyes on the Unseen, a reference to 2 Corinthians 4:18, which has continually reminded us to keep an eternal perspective in the midst of our daily circumstances. Thank you for joining us on the journey.

December 2016 was a health whirlwind for our family. On December 7^th, we went in for an MRI, which showed significant tumor growth. The doctors did an almost immediate biopsy, and on December 15^th the pathology report showed that Jonathan’s brain tumor had progressed to a grade 4 Glioblastoma. On December 21^st, we started an aggressive treatment plan including two weeks of targeted radiation and two forms of chemotherapy, all at the same time. This Thursday January 5th, we finished radiation and one of the chemo medicines. In the next few weeks, Jonathan will get two more infusions of IV chemotherapy. Then, in early February, we will have another MRI to see what effect the treatments are having on the tumor and we will make decisions about further treatment based on that.

In the middle of all of this, God has provided and cared for us in so many ways. One of the clearest evidences of God’s grace has been YOU, particularly our family, Small Group, Brook Hills church and Westminster community. You have faithfully prayed, loved, and cared for us. One of the principal apologetics (defenses) for the Gospel is our love for one another: “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:35. You have clearly and loudly declared the Gospel by your love for us. We want to thank you for your prayers, your concern, your calls, food, encouraging cards, generosity, and help with our kids, among other things. We have constantly felt how God has strengthened and sustained us during this journey. We are incredibly grateful for you! We hope you are encouraged to know that your prayers have been answered in that Jonathan has, so far, only had minor side effects to the treatments. Blood work, energy, an overall health have been good. Our family is doing well. We have been open in our  communication with our children about all of this, and although difficult, God has provided the strength and the peace that each of us have needed.

Please, continue to pray that Jonathan’s health would remain strong and that our family would continue to rest in the strength God provides.

Please, pray that these treatments would be effective in combating the tumor.

Please, pray for wisdom in decisions we need to make about next steps in this journey; specifically concerning the challenges we face due to the significant weakness and loss of motor control on the left side of Jonathan’s body caused by the location of the tumor. Continue to pray that this will improve.

So many people have asked what they can do to help and honestly we have been overwhelmed and not always known what to answer. We are so grateful for our small group, and for the BH pastoral staff in the way they have coordinated much of these details. In the weeks to come, we have identified a few practical ways that people can help.

• Continue praying.
• Meals are a true blessing!! We are trying to be diligent to eat in a way that will accommodate the specific diet Jonathan has been encouraged to follow to promote good health during this treatment. We have found a system that is working really well for us. If you would like to support us by providing a meal, simply go to https://www.katiesplates.com,  purchase a gift card, and send it to elissouders@aol.com. The website will walk you through the process. Elisabeth Souders will be our coordinator and she will take those gift cards and put them towards our meal plan.

 

Today, the Lord has reminded us of Psalm 136:1

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever.

 

“O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago”. Isaiah 25:1

Jonathan’s MRI came back clean again! Dr. Nabors, his neuro-oncologist, showed us the images of the empty space were the tumor once was. Thankfully it remains empty. There is no more swelling and only a sliver of scar tissue. He was very pleased with Jonathan’s clinical neuro-examination and he was surprised to hear that he has almost totally regained his field of vision. He also gave Jonathan a green light to continue resuming his normal activities and he encouraged him to listen to his body for cues of tiredness. I may follow that advice too 😉

At this point, Dr. Nabors does not think that Jonathan’s neurosurgeon will see the need to replace Jonathan’s bone flap any time soon. So that conversation will wait for the next time we see the doctor. Our next step is to continue the pattern of an MRI every 3 months. If things don’t change, they may even decrease the frequency of the MRIs.

We are so grateful for this news. In summary, we are able to continue forward with this new normal until the next MRI. In light of all the medical complications of the last 9 months this monotony is welcomed.

It has been 2 months since our last update. Recently, I was trying to apologize to somebody about the lack of recent updates and they just said “no news is good news, right?”. We are very grateful that this saying has proven true these past months. Jonathan’s health has continued to improve, and little by little we have cut down on doctor’s appointments and medications as his body has recovered from the infection, the allergic reaction, and the blood clots that followed his tumor resection back in March.
Thankfully we have transitioned to the new school year incredibly well. Jonathan has been back working full days in the office, taken a couple of short domestic trips, and he is even coaching Danny’s soccer team:)
On Thursday we went to the neuro-ophtalmologist and we were surprised to learn that his field of vision cut has improved significantly, such that the damage to his vision is almost totally gone.
In the midst of all of these wonderful gifts, we are reminded that this journey is a long one and that there are tough moments yet ahead. Jonathan is still missing a piece (about the size of my hand) of his skull and although that does not keep him from doing most everyday things, he does need to wear a helmet to protect his brain is situations of increased risk of injury such from a fender bender while driving.
At this stage, many ask us what is the next step? Back in April, when we went for our first check-up after tumor resection, the doctor was clear to remind us that brain tumors tend to recur and are seldom surgically curable. While he was happy to communicate that Jonathan’s tumor is not cancerous and therefore he would not need immediate treatment after surgery, he told us that he would need to have an MRI every 3 months for at least 2 years to closely monitor the potentially tumorous cells left behind. In July, Jonathan had a first MRI and it came back clear. Tomorrow, we go for a second one. We hope and pray it will be clear again. We are also hoping to talk to the doctors about their plan to replace Jonathan’s bone flap (the fancy way to call the missing piece of skull). We are hoping to better understand the timelines, risks, benefits, and the restrictions this would entail.
In all honesty, sometimes it is easy to let fear and anxiety creep in. The “what ifs” in a brain tumor scenario are many, but God constantly encourages us to stand on His Truth. His Truth is that He is with us, that we are His, that our days are in His hands, that His plans are perfect, that He is sufficient, and that ultimately this world is not our home. We choose to rejoice every day in the precious gift He has given to our family in Jonathan’s health and we will keep trusting in Him and walking in faith.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with us.

Thank you for being so patient with us as it has taken us a while to give an update on Jonathan’s health condition. There is a lot to share, so here we go.

Since we left the hospital in mid-June, Jonathan has continued to recover very well. Slowly, he has begun to resume normal activities -from work to playtime with the kids 🙂 In the meantime we have visited each of his doctors for follow up appointments. The first one was the doctor treating the bone infection. About three weeks ago Jonathan finished his course of strong antibiotics and the doctor felt confident that the infection should be resolved. On July 11, Jonathan had the MRI that had been originally scheduled as the follow up for the brain tumor resection. The MRI came back “clean”, meaning no visible signs of tumor or infection. The doctor was clear to say that only a massive infection would show, but so far no other problems had presented in the area of infection. So we take that as confirmation that infection is indeed gone. Thankful.

Next, we have blood clots. God directed us to a great internist that has been monitoring this issue along with Jonathan’s general health. Every week o two she reviews his blood levels and adjusts his medication as needed. He is still in blood thinners but this past Friday the doctor said she won’t check his levels until next month when they will also perform an ultrasound of his arm to see if the clots have dissapeared. The doctor is hoping to discontinue blood thinners soon after that. So, we can say that there is great improvement in this area also.

The other big issue we are dealing with is the DRESS syndrome. Last month the Dermatologist told us that she would continue to check Jonathan’s internal organs every month until his levels were back to normal. Back then, she was expecting to “release” him in December. Well, we went for a check up yesterday and as she entered the office to meet us, she told us with a big smile that Jonathan’s levels are completely back to normal and that she won’t see us again -unless we needed her, because she does not expect the reaction to recurr. She explained that it may take up to six weeks for Jonathan’s body to completely recover from this, but that seems like nothing after hearing that most likely DRESS syndrome is also gone. Today, Jonathan is officially off steroids. That is another incredible gift from God.

As we see things right now, the next steps are to make sure that the blood clots are dissolved, to discuss with neurology doctors a replacement for Jonathan’s piece of skull, and to fervently pray that tumor will never come back. The next MRI is scheduled for October, please join us in prayer that it will show no tumor at all. We depend on Him.

With thankful hearts we continue to put our trust in the One that is sovereing above all things. He is the source of our joy, our confidence, our strength, and our hope.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:1-2.

A whole lot has happened medically and personally since the second surgery on May 13 to remove the piece of skull that got infected as a result of the first surgery. It has seemed at times that one complication has led to another in a snowball effect toward my deteriorating health.
We are humbled and thankful for the way that many of you have faithfully walked alongside us through your prayers and support. In light of how you have shared this journey so closely with us, I want to share a pretty transparent window into how this has impacted us personally and emotionally.
Monday night, June 13, was definitely the most difficult point in this journey so far. The doctors had given me another dose of the antibiotic that was causing several of my body systems to react violently. I was running high fevers that medicine was not able to break through. My skin was bright red, burning, swollen, and itching uncontrollably. My lymph nodes were reacting and several parts of my body were swollen almost unrecognizably. My liver was also reacting and the doctors were concerned that the reaction might spread to the lungs or heart. A family friend, who has prayed for me since I was a small boy, sent me these verses in Psalm 69:
1 Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.
6 Let not those who hope in you be put to shame through me, O Lord GOD of hosts;
let not those who seek you be brought to dishonor through me, O God of Israel.

I could definitely identify with the writer’s distress in calling out to God to rescue him and I was feeling overwhelmed by the tide of medical complications that were bombarding me. I had come to the end of my physical and emotional strength. That night Karla and I prayed that God would intervene. In the middle of the night and early the next morning, God began to act through doctors, medicine, and His sovereign hand to rescue me from this desperate situation. The next morning I awoke and it was immediately evident that I had turned a corner. Although the road to recovery continues to be a long one, there was a moment when it was clear that recovery from the allergic reaction had begun.
Throughout that next day, Karla and I continually reflected on God’s goodness. After a day of seeing improvements, we were incredibly thankful for God’s act of kindness in rescuing me from this difficult situation. God’s act was based nothing on what I had done, but solely on His grace and mercy. As I continued to reflect on this journey I was reminded of scriptures about God’s presence with his people through all of life’s circumstances. That evening we began to confess to one another, and to God, that our natural state is to respond to pain/difficulty/suffering/hardship in fear and worry. We know that God is in complete control of everything in our lives, yet little by little, we begin to doubt and believe that we must try to be in control of everything. Did the doctors do this or that? What will happen to the kids if…? How can I make it through…? The list can go on and on. We quickly turn to fear instead of resting completely in God’s control and God’s presence. Only God can release us from fear to faith. We asked forgiveness for the ways in which we had not trusted in His complete goodness and control of our lives. We asked forgiveness for the ways we had allowed ourselves to respond in fear instead of faith. God, again, released us to freely trust in Him and know the peace found in His presence.
This is the essence of the good news found in Jesus Christ. We must continually be reminded of this Good News, throughout all of life’s circumstances. We were utterly lost in our sin, blinded and given over to fear, unable to rescue ourselves. But God, rich in mercy, reached down and demonstrated His love for us by making the just payment for our sins through the sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ. He conquered sin and death and thereby made a way for man to be restored to right relationship with His creator. The urgency for each of us is to turn away from fear and from our own attempts to control life and instead turn to Him in faith, trusting solely in His righteousness. When we turn to Him in faith, this becomes the turning point in our lives that brings us out of death into His glorious light. But the road to recovery from sin and fear is a long one in which we must continually turn to him and trust him in all of life’s circumstances. By God’s grace, He continually rescues us from ourselves and walks with us enabling us to trust Him no matter what we might face. This reminded me of Psalm 40:
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

We are incredibly thankful for a God who hears our cries. We have been eternally rescued from the pit of sin and placed upon the rock of salvation through Jesus Christ. God continues to rescue us from our pain/difficulty/suffering with His power and presence. He turns our fears into faith. May we sing praises to the King forever!

When Jonathan was first diagnosed with a brain tumor, a good friend gave me a Scripture verses calendar that has encouraged us many times during the last five months. I don’t look at the verses every day, but unfailingly, the verse that I read has been appropriate for whatever we are going through that day – mostly reminders of God’s promises.

This past Sunday, as Jonathan and I were rejoicing in his recovery, I read the verse for the day: “For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come”. Song of Solomon 2:11-12.

We have been back home for over ten days now. Last Friday and Monday we had three follow up appointments; the reports from the doctors where very encouraging. We first went to see the Infectious Disease doctor that is treating Jonathan’s bone infection or osteomyelitis. He was pleased to see the results of the labs and told us that he just needs to finish the course of antibiotics – 9 more days. After that Jonathan should be DONE with antibiotics. The head MRI originally scheduled for July 11 should confirm that the infection is totally clear. On Friday, we also met with the internist to follow up with the blood clots that formed around Jonathan’s PICC line in his right arm. She was very thorough and carefully looked at Jonathan’s overall health. She helped us understand that Jonathan is coming out of a very acute stage and now most of his levels are going back to normal. There are some levels that are still temporary off due to medication, but she will be following those closely until they normalize. Jonathan will continue on blood thinners to complete 3 months of treatment and the internist will monitor blood work every week for dosage adjustments. Thankfully for both of us, I no longer have to give Jonathan blood thinner shots in his stomach twice per day. We are both glad to be past that treatment.

On Monday, we went to the dermatologist who is taking care of the DRESS syndrome. She was also very pleased to see Jonathan’s labs. Once more, she explained that this reaction (DRESS) is very severe and could potentially flare back up in the next few months involving other organs (heart, lungs, kidneys, etc), even without being exposed to the medication that caused the original reaction. For this reason, she won’t release Jonathan until he has completed six months of monitoring without any problems. She encouraged Jonathan to gradually resume normal activity, but to take any unusual symptoms very seriously.

So, after these visits, you can see why we were so encouraged by the words in Song of Solomon. We feel like we are moving towards a more steady recovery now. Jonathan is feeling so much better and his energy level is also improving every day.

We want you to know that we not only appreciate your prayers, we trust that your prayers have been a pleasing sacrifice to the Lord. We pray that He is revealing Himself to you as He is to us. We pray you will proclaim his faithfulness and His powerful deeds continuously every opportunity you have. He has intervened in this situation and He is using it for His glory. His goodness is the same, in sickness or health. But today we celebrate the healing process and we know you celebrate with us. “Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love and His kindness go on forever” – 1 Chronicles 16:34.

Please continue to pray for what is ahead.
– Pray that the DRESS syndrome won’t come back and that Jonathan’s body will continue to get stronger.
– Pray that Jonathan’s MRI on July 11 (originally scheduled as the follow up for the brain tumor resection) will clearly show NO TUMOR and no sign of infection left in Jonathan’s brain.
– Pray that he will resume normal activities at the pace he needs to and that God will multiply the work of his hands for His glory.

Wednesday night Jonathan said: “if someone wrote a case study about all the medical issues that are going on right now, nobody would believe it”. This is why. After the miraculous breakthrough he had the day before, on Wednesday we found out about another complication. Tuesday night the doctors had told us that Jonathan’s new medications are available in an oral form, and that they would remove the PICC line that was placed a month ago to administer his antibiotics. The plan then was to send us home on Wednesday morning after watching him one more night and removing the PICC. Wednesday morning Jonathan woke up with severe swelling on the arm with the PICC line. An ultrasound was ordered to make sure no blood clots had formed – because that would only complicate things… Well, blood clots had formed, so instead of going home, Jonathan had to be put immediately on blood thinners, adding a new delicate issue to the list. This new part of the treatment involves injections in his belly for a week and then transitioning to a pill with weekly monitoring of his blood for three months.
So, let me see if I can summarize this case study for you: It all started with a brain tumor. Surgery to remove the tumor led to bone infection. Antibiotics to treat the bone infection led to DRESS. And now the PICC line to administer all the drugs led to blood clots. We have not even made it to our three-month-post-tumor-resection follow up appointment and we already have the rest of the year covered with treatments and appointments with three other doctors.

But God continues to be faithful and as we meditated together on all these things, He led us to Romans 8. I just want to share some of the verses that God used to speak to our hearts:

“For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words…

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Our confidence is this: God is with us and in sovereign control; with or without brain tumor, with or without bone infection, with or without DRESS, with or without blood clots. Ultimately, we have been healed and will eternally walk in His presence.

We were discharged from the hospital last night. All medications in place and Jonathan feeling a lot better. The next days and weeks we will have to take it easy and continue to recover. He will be monitored through blood work and clinical examination and during that time we’ll try to be diligent to let you know how God continues to use this.

As we are rejoicing in how God has intervened to improve Jonathan’s health, we are also reminded of those who are in distress. Jason, Jonathan’s brother and his wife, Alison are now facing the difficult road to see Alison’s father in critical condition after he had a massive stroke two days ago. We are aware that you know of many others like this that continually need to be lifted up as well. As you pray for other, please include Jerry Suchman, his wife Susan and Jason and Alison’s family tonight.

I closed my eyes last night with the assurance of God’s Word in my heart: “His mercies are new every morning”.viagra We have said many times that prayer is not a vending machine. God is not obligated to answer our requests based on how “good” we are or even how much we pray. God extends His grace through our prayers to display His glory in the same way that He allows us to go through difficult times with the same purpose; to display His glory.
Today, God, out of His infinite mercy and grace, has chosen to let us see a miracle in Jonathan’s life.
Last night Jonathan received a first dose of steroids as the beginning of a long term treatment for DRESS Syndrome. I was fearful to see more medicine go in his body, and at the same time I was excited about the possibility that the medicine would be helpful. This morning he woke up already showing wonderful improvement. His face, ears and neck were not as swollen, his temperature was back to normal, he had an appetite; three good signs. Throughout the day, he has continued to feel better. Especially because the itching and burning of his skin have reduced considerably.
We had the visit of his four doctors: his neurosurgeon, the ID doctor treating the bone infection, the dermatologist that will treat DRESS, and the hospitalist that has taken care of us during this weekend. All of them agree with the treatment that Jonathan will get in the next months and they were also pleased to see Jonathan responding so well to it. His internal organs and levels are not back to normal yet, but they have not gotten worse. He will be followed up closely to make sure that also gets better and no other organs get involved. But for now, the doctors feel comfortable with us going home soon. We are in awe. We praise God for His sustenance and provision once more. We are humbled and filled with gratitude for this amazing breakthrough and we want to thank each of your prayers on our behalf – the Lord has heard them. May He also use those personal times with Him to bless you and grow you closer to Him.
We know our reality still involves brain tumor, osteomyelitis, and now DRESS, but we rejoice in the blessing of today. We will keep walking this road with our confidence placed in the One that knows us completely and has our days in His hands.
Thank you for the encouragement of your words. They have been God’s balm to our souls.

Dear friends,
I want to thank you for your prayers and the love you constantly pour out to our family. Our journey is not yet smoothing out, but instead getting rockier for now. Earlier this afternoon we had the visit of the Infectious Diseases doctors who brought a bad report on Jonathan’s health. The report was later confirmed and further explained to us by the Dermatology doctor who is the expert on this case. They believe that Jonathan has developed an extremely dangerous, even life threatening allergic reaction called DRESS Syndrome. This is a severe reaction to medications that involves several systems in the body. The characteristic rash with swelling and fever is just one of them. Jonathan is also showing abnormal liver function and inflammation of the lymph nodes. All consistent with DRESS. The reaction is not easy to diagnose or to treat. Especially because it’s not easy to determine what specific medication is causing it. Right now the doctor’s strongest lead is Vancomycin. The situation gets complicated because we are only in the middle of treatment for Jonathan’s osteomyelitis (bone infection). And because he is taking anticonvulsive drugs as part of his brain tumor follow up. So we can no just stop all medications to only focus on DRESS.
The treatment for this new situation is a long term use of steroids. But there is a specific way to give those to prevent further problems. So, in conclusion this is not easy, nor short term. For now, we will remain in the hospital until diagnosis and treatment are well established.

I need to confess that hearing these news just got me hard. It is very difficult to see Jonathan hurting. It is hard to grasp the gravity of this illness without feeling scared.

We need to be dependent on God. We need to keep trusting Him. His nature, His love, and His purpose don’t change. He remains being good, He still cares for us, He still wants to use our lives.

Please continue to pray. Pray for healing and patience for Jonathan. Pray for wisdom and discernment for our doctors. Pray that God will use this to shape our children’s faith. Pray for our parents and closer friends as they support us. Pray that I will be a true helper for my husband. Pray for opportunities to share the Truth to a world whose hurts without Christ are without hope. And pray for everything else that the Spirit prompts you to pray as you walk with us on this journey.